I've read the book I don't know HOW many times. I've seen EVERY film version. And I have to say that every time I experience the story, I learn something new. Not just something new about life, and what you would hope for from someone that you love, but something new about myself.
I just saw the new film version last night and it was quite raw and beautiful. Here's the trailer:
What it reminded me of...is that there is a type of love that you should be consumed with...a deserving kind of love.
In real life, there is the love you actually have, and the love you wish you had. That's something I have been going through for the past month...what I have been hurting from (amongst other things). I guess I had this vision of how everything would work out, how happy we would be in the future...and he really helped me paint that picture. Led me to believe that I was special, told me he loved me, made me a part of his life, and to a certain extent, a part of his family.
And then, adversity hits. The first REAL conflict between us occurs, and he runs for the hills. Then, when things feel like they're getting back on track, something bad happens to him (non-related to myself), and he takes it out on me, when I was the one trying to be there for him. No one deserves that, but I was willing to forgive him. I never should have been willing to do that, given the circumstances, but I guess I had this vision of how things would work out. But by this time, he didn't care...about anyone but himself. So that's what he did...left me out to dry, making me believe that time would heal things, telling me that if I just let him "come to me" it would all work out. And then nothing, until a couple days later he is making out with some trash on the side of a bar. Talk about heartless...
It's his loss. He never deserved the care and affection that was given to him. And I never deserved to be treated in such a way. I kept asking myself why, letting the way he was treating me question myself. And it took me longer than it should have to convince myself...but it's not me. It's him. It's his fault, and it's his life that will be messed up by the mistakes he's made. Not mine. All it will do is make me stronger.
All great loves and great love stories involve some sort of struggle at some point (just like Jane Eyre), but it's if they are worth the struggle or not...that's the important question to take away from it all.
And that's the last I have to say on anything relative to my latest love life fiasco. He really isn't worth spending more time talking about, and I have purged all that I need to. It's more than I've revealed online here ever I think, but I feel justified, and I trust all of you, and I am the one that will come out ahead in all of this. There is always a lesson to be learned.
Song of the day: "It Doesn't Matter" Alison Krauss & Union Station
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