"Sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemptions"

So much for my hiatus. Today has been the hardest day I've had in a long time. My latest boyfriend cheating on me doesn't hold a candle to this. I won't let him have that much credit.

I just found out today that my mother will be having surgery to remove a section of her bowel that contains a mass, a mass that the doctors are still unsure about. Is it benign or malignant? Apparently they won't know until they get in there to cut it out for whatever reason.

I was due to go to my best friend's wedding in Florida next weekend for a long weekend vacation, but have opted to cancel the trip to save the plane ticket credit and time off to go home for my mother's surgery and to help with her recovery. She's due to be in the hospital for 4-6 days and then it will take 6 weeks for her to recover entirely. It's hard that I won't be able to be there for a very extended period of time, but I want to do the most that I can, and be as useful as I can.

I can tell that my mom is worried and scared. She puts on a good front, but she and I are a lot alike in that respect. I'm scared too. She's my best friend, and I can't imagine what my life would be like if anything happened to her. All I can do is hope for the best and be there for her. And try to hold it all together. And my poor dad...I'm sure he's as quiet as ever, but this has to be the hugest wake up call for him. They are probably both realizing that they aren't as young as they used to be.

There is a lot going through my head right now. Uncertainty seems to be my lot in life these days. And it's wearing me down. I feel like I've aged years in the matter of a few weeks. And on top of it all, the one person that I had thought I would always be able to count on to be there for me...well, as you can read in the first paragraph...I can't really count on anymore.

Long days ahead.

Song of the day: "You Are A Tourist" Death Cab For Cutie

"This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher

When there's a burning in your heart
An endless yearning in your heart
Build it bigger than the sun
Let it grow, let it grow
When there's a burning in your heart
Don't be alone

This fire grows higher

When there's a doubt within your mind
Because you're thinking all the time
Framing rights into wrongs
Move along, move along
When there's a doubt within your mind
When there's a burning in your heart
And you think it'll burst apart
Or there's nothing to feel
Save the tears, save the tears
When there's a burning in your heart

And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born
Then it's time to go
And define your destination
There's so many different places to call home
Because when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written
It's plain to see
That sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemptions
Would you agree?
If so please show me

This fire grows higher
When there's a burning in your heart"