Comfortably numb

It's been a long time since I've allowed myself to feel vulnerable...in terms of dating/relationships. I think even when I thought I was opening up before, I really wasn't. I'm going to use the term "comfortably numb" to describe my emotional state for about the past year and a half when it comes to men.

I would meet a guy, it would be flirty and fun for a short couple of weeks, and then I would find something wrong with him....or I would chalk it up to bad timing if I felt the slightest bit iffy. I didn't even let commercial fisherman guy get to me. For the couple of months that went on, I felt comfortable, but it was definitely comfortable at a distance. I knew he was leaving, so no real attachment was made.

But now it's completely different. I feel like the wall I've placed around me has slowly started to crumble down....and it's scary as hell, but in a good way I think. I find myself to be shy and nervous about things that I haven't been nervous about in a long time. It's amazing what having one f-ed up psycho ex can do to you.

I know that nervous butterflies are a good thing, but sheesh, I never knew that the smallest things like a hug or a small kiss were going to feel like such big steps for me. To be clear, it's not that I haven't been physical with anyone since all of that craziness, I just haven't been physical with anyone and been vulnerable AT THE SAME TIME since.

The good thing is that I'm not worried about it (the nerves and the shyness), and I think it's all just part of the natural process of pushing myself past all of the baggage. One day at a time. That's all I can ask for.

Song of the day: "Our Own Pretty Ways" First Aid Kit ("well we all change in our own ways, in our own pretty ways")