"You get what you need"

What do I want out of life?

Every once in awhile I get one of those wake-up calls regarding my currently non-existent love life. The ones that you really don't feel like dealing with, but continually nag at you until you address the damn issue.

Do we ever really know what we want?

They say the grass is always greener on the other side. Growing into adulthood, I've always considered myself to be greatly independent (some might say stubbornly independent, which is also true I suppose). I've always longed for adventure and new exploration...always afraid that I'm going to miss out on something, so I want to experience as much as I can. This could explain my nomadic nature...you might say I'm flighty...but I think anxious is a better word. I'm not good at sitting still in one place for long.

I've never been one to be in serious relationships. Partially because I don't want to be tied down, and partially because I'm just not that good in them, period. I find it hard to spot my middle ground in a relationship...you know, the part where you can open yourself up, but maybe not be so completely vulnerable. I tend to be either one or the other...completely frigid and closed off, or completely open and extremely vulnerable. Both have had a tendency to get me nowhere. The times that I'm completely open, I've been trampled on. And the times that I'm closed off, I make up some reason why the relationship wouldn't work out, or somehow sabotage it on purpose, like some fucking self-fulfilling prophecy.

Due to these ebbs and flows of my love life, I've become extremely good at being single. I employ my time wisely (for the most part) with either work, hobbies, or activities with friends. But, the downside to being alone is that section of time when I'm technically doing nothing...when I come home, make dinner for myself, watch movies, or read a book...with no one to snuggle or take part in any conversation (except for the dog of course...he listens to everything, but doesn't talk back).

I have days that I wish I had someone, then I have days where I say to myself, "I'm so set in my ways," or "I don't have time for a relationship." I have always told myself that I don't want to be married before 30...that my 20's are the time for me to be selfish...the time for me to be able to support myself, develop my career, and experience as many adventures as I choose. I now find myself asking, "For what?" I know part of it is just so that I can claim my own sense of self, and know that I can rely on "me." I've always said that a person has to be happy with themselves before they can be happy with someone else.

But what if what I want has changed? What if I do want someone there right beside me? Someone to learn from, someone I can teach, someone to share life's struggles with? I don't know...it's been so long (I've been single for 2 years running at the moment). I wonder to myself that if "it" does find it's way back to me again, will I welcome it with open arms? Or will I brush it off? I didn't used to question myself about this so much before, but life has happened...I'm not the same person I used to be. I've seen some dark days in relationships, and I've seen some bright ones. And I question myself more and more as I'm becoming older. I'm at the age where so many people I know are married, hell, some of them even have little kids running around. (Which, I never see myself having any, but that's another story altogether.) I find myself wondering if this has made them feel more complete? Are they all happy? Do their lives feel fulfilled?

I worry that if I find someone and settle down, what will I miss out on? Everything that I want to accomplish for myself...it wouldn't just be about me anymore.

I've always thought to leave these things up to fate. That if things are meant to happen they will happen. But what if they aren't meant to happen? Are there people out there that just aren't meant to be with anyone? I don't know, but it's worrying sometimes. In the end, I suppose all I can do is be myself, and deal with life as it comes at me. Life happens, no question about that...it's how it happens that leaves me pondering.

Song of the day: "You Can't Always Get What You Want" The Rolling Stones (but if you try sometimes well you just might find you get what you need)